My emotional spasm's are over.

  • Thursday, October 31, 2013
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There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.
(Led Zeppelin)
So here is the news.
My emotional spasm's are over. Drooling and twitching have been replaced by brainflow. Accordingly I have cut my toenails, dug out my Vibrams and inserted myself guerilla like into the woods. Here I cannot be found by the NSA, GCHQ or my kids. I can think.
Once again I'm learning that running is fun, there is nothing like running up a stony path between confetti coloured hedgerows or being slathered in cold British mud. 
Brainflow has to be followed by footflow however, I have had enough of touchy feely skipping through the bluebells running. It is time to get focus and find the edge again. I need a challenge, I am bored.
I need to fly baby.
This is reflected in my life generally, I have real passion for my job but I'm not stimulated enough at the moment. I'm exploring what that may mean.
There is a direct correlation for me between running tough and hard and feeling on top of my thinking, confidence and life.
It's been so long since I've found the limit that I've forgotten what it feels like.

It has that funky runners smell

  • Monday, October 28, 2013
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Old or distressed clothing one wears in an environment that may be dirty or wet but that does not merit use of coveralls or protective gear.
I forget how old this top is but it's my favourite. It seems as old as me, a New Balance long sleeve number in red and black. I'm not sure of it's exact vintage but it has that funky runners smell that never quite washes out and the sleeve ends are frayed. The zip sticks and it has no pocket but I love it. 
I think most of us have our favourite bits of running kit, comfortable old friends that we trust and know. By contrast, I have gear I've had for a while but hardly worn, it lacks soul, it never quite relaxes.
The best stuff we wear until it becomes threadbare and falls apart.

They leave me inhabiting wacky emotional spaces

  • Friday, October 18, 2013
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“Ho! Ho! Ho! To the bottle I go
To heal my heart and drown my woe
Rain may fall, and wind may blow
And many miles be still to go
But under a tall tree will I lie
And let the clouds go sailing by”
J.R.R Tolkien

I guess I should write something.
I'll start with a bald statement; I no longer label myself a runner.
That's as flat and two dimensional as a C list celebrity.
There has been some scratchy and sporadic running, rote like around the local woods but basically I've given up.
I have my moody ups and downs but presently I'm suffering from one of those tsunami blackouts that come along once every ten years or so, picking you up and hurling you down on a shoreline littered with your own emotional debris. A roiling devils brew of all my frailties and fears and leaving me feeling anxious, exposed and taut. I am naked and disorientated and I have stones in my heart.
Take driving for example. I hate it at the best of times, and always have but at the moment, the way I'm feeling, even a short trip up to school is a major stressor. I only drive because I have to.
There is no reason for these downers, I don't know what sparks them off but they leave me inhabiting wacky emotional spaces, zombie grunting conversations at the floor and freakazoidal staring into corners and space.
I have no interest in anything and avoid people. These are the times when you value your friends, they are patient and stoical around your rages and rudeness. Running drops off the agenda, I just can't get out the door.
The good news is that I have come down with a strange cold virus. It has left me drained but also forced me to take two days off work. I've caught up with sleep and I feel I am starting to catch up with myself. I'm finding some space. In a seven days time I have a weeks holiday, I'm hoping for some upswing. I need to stop seeing life with monochrome eyes and stop being such a shit.
I love my running. I love my friends and I love my job. I want those things back.